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Recently, I had the opportunity to climb an undisclosed tree and interview the Head Supreme Squirrel Overlord of the Instagram account @squirrels_of_rwu and of all of the squirrels on campus, whose identity was not revealed to me. After a whirlwind of squirrels finished blindfolding me, the interview began.
What are the origins of the account?
There were so many squirrels on campus and we needed some representation. We wanted a page about all of the crazy things we do on campus.
Do the squirrels have any hobbies?
Aside from collecting nuts and stealing food, you can usually catch squirrels hanging out in groups. Roberts squirrels are pretty communal.
What are the squirrels’ favorite nut or food?
Garlock tater tots are the squirrels’ guilty pleasure.
What is the goal of the squirrels on campus?
(This is where the interview took a more sinister turn. The squirrels around me chattered with impatience.)
The squirrels are hoping to provide encouragement to the students. By building trust and subtly manipulating the students with their cuteness, their goal is to eventually overrun and infest the campus, with the hope of inducting themselves into the student culture.
What do the squirrels think about Houghton College?
Roberts is the superior campus for squirrel life. That’s why there are so many squirrels here. Squirrels immigrate to Roberts because of the dumpsters and stay for Garlock’s tater tots.
Do you spy on students?
We don’t need to talk about that.
Do the squirrels follow any religion? Are they Christian?
It all started with the worship of the acorn, but they then realized that the acorn was a created good. Now they are theists. But their main squirrel religion persists so that they can hide nuts.
Anything else you’d like to add?
(The head squirrel pulled out its phone and looked up “Top 10 reasons why you should love squirrels”)
Squirrels, by nature, are gardeners. They help keep campus beautiful – they expand forests by planting seeds and forgetting where they are. Acorns will be used as a scent for squirrels, as often they will rub them on their faces. Squirrels are full of mystery.
Can I please take off this blindfold now?
Give me ten seconds to scurry, then feel free.
(Photo credit: @squirrels_of_rwu)
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