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The best aspect of our campus is probably the community, but at some point, we all wonder… how can we make it even better? After much reflection and a vision I had on Thursday, I’ve realized exactly what this campus needs: a Massive, 300-foot-deep, 400-foot diameter Hole placed where the Garlock loop currently is. Think of all the possibilities: we could throw things in it, we could look at it, heck we could even do, uhhh, I don’t know, but we’ll figure that out once we make it. Wait, is it spelled Whole or Hole?
Anywho, some might criticize this, saying that it would be a waste of resources to create; a safety hazard; and an eyesore on campus. These points are clearly incorrect.
Moving on. I’ve interacted with many geese on this campus who support the cause. They didn’t use words because they are geese, but the sentiment was still very clear. Not to get emotional or anything, but when I think about our community and what drew me to Roberts in the first place, I think of a Massive 400-foot-wide Whole.
Now you might ask – how do we build This Hole? Have you ever seen the 2003 film Holes featuring Shia LaBeouf? We will do it just like that – through the manual labor of students. We can consider it a Gen-Ed class where students spend the entirety of their credit hours digging The Whole. Connecting our heads to our hearts to engage our hands in the service of digging That Giant Hole.
QUOTES FROM THE PEOPLE ABOUT THE HOLE
“Throughout my time at Roberts I’ve wanted to see our community thrive. This Hole of Incredible Scope will do exactly that.”
– Jack Saia, senior
“I would hang out at The Cartoonishly Large Hole all day, every day. We need this.”
– Elizabeth Potash, senior
“What are life and liberty but mere symbols of what The Large Massive Hole represents in our lives and in our community?”
– Mitch Johnson, junior
“What? What’s the Bacon? How did you get my phone number?”
– Incoming freshman Randal Fisch
“I would love nothing more than for the last major action of my time here at Roberts Wesleyan University to be the commissioning of The Giant Massive Hole in the middle of our campus.”
– Deana Porterfield, President
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